8 years now, why is it that it seems
to sneak up on you when you least expect it to?
I had not even noticed the date until
mom and dad called. Funny thing is that I am sitting down here at work alone. I
guess that is a good thing since I have the Duran Duran music on my Ipod now
playing
8
years now you have been gone why does it still seem like it was yesterday
sometimes and then sometimes it seems like it was a lifetime ago?
That I will never
know. I used to believe that time will heal all wounds but even me the ever
present person who always says to others seems to doubt that is true.
I guess the old
practice what you preach phrase sometimes seems go right out the door. Then
again it is very easy to say it to others but its not exactly easy to believe it
in that when it comes to your sister being gone now 8 years
So much has changed in my life yet I am
still right back on this date. And the pain still exists. How do you get over
something that you never thought would happen? That of course is a rhetorical
question because there is no real answer to it.
Will the pain and hurt and loss ever
really stop or go away all together? I guess that is a pointless question to
really ask yourself because if that was the case then I would be saying that she
didn’t really die
But here I am feeling these same old feelings again and
feeling this same old loss again Here I am feeling like I just lost her over
again. And yet mathematically speaking it has been now 8 years. Yet where do we
go now?
Where
do we find ourselves yet again but at this same spot, sitting here eating dinner
at work typing this up wishing I was anywhere but here…
I guess the subway trip will have to
wait until Thursday but perhaps that is better anyway could get a wine cooler to
and try and relax and wonder about the last 8 years.
How do I get past this? Its like a never
ending cycle of feelings, I think I have dealt with them and I think I have most
past then and I think I have finally gotten to the point where it wont hurt as
much as it did 8 years ago and yet here is the same old pain.
It seems to get sometimes even worse.
Why I do not know. But then again I guess that is the way of life.
What a crock of shit
that is.
I am
alive
She isn’t
Where is way of life in that? How exactly is that really a
good thing anyway? Whoever said that type of shit had to be an only child and
never lost their only brother or sister or they wouldn’t have even said such
utter bullshit.
Whatever.
I guess I should know by now that something will always be
the truth.
That I will always miss my sister and I guess I will always know that I will
never get to just pick up the phone and talk to her. Or send her a message on
MIRC or ICQ or anywhere else.
Because 8 years ago she died. She left. I am here. She
left. Go figure.
I guess in the end there is very little one could say
Its just a
fact of life, sucks as it may it is still a fact of life.
She is gone. I am here. So now what?
Where does this run away train ride stop
at anyway? I wish I knew then again maybe I got on the wrong train and I am now
stuck on a never ending loop of deal with it and get used to the fact she is
gone only to once again be reminded that she is GONE!
This really does suck you know. So many
feelings that should be said yet I know what is the point in saying them it wont
really change the end result. She will still be gone. I will still be here.
Again what the
fuck?
Sitting
here alone trying to understanding these feelings and trying to make sense of it
all.
As the
song says. Where is the life that I reconsize? GONE AWAY!. Because she did go
away.
The whole song goes
something like this.
Came in from
a rainy Thursday on the avenue, Thought I heard you talking softly.
I turned on the lights, the TV and the
radio Still I can't escape the ghost of you.
What is happening to it all? Crazy some
say- Where is the life that I recognise?
Gone away.
But I won't cry for yesterday. There's an ordinary world
somehow I have to find. And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will
learn to survive.
Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say- Pride will
tear us both apart.
Well now
pride's gone out the window, cross the rooftops, runaway. Left me in the vacuum
of my heart.
What is happening to me? Crazy some say. Where is my friend when I need you
most?
Gone away.
But I won't cry for
yesterday. There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way to the
ordinary world I will learn to survive.
Papers in the roadside tell of suffering
and greed, Feared today; forgot tomorrow.
Here beside the news of holy war and holy need, Ours is
just a little sorrowed talk-
Blown away.
Just blowing away.
And I don't cry for yesterday. There's an ordinary world
somehow I have to find.
And as I
try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive.
Every world is my
world (I will learn to survive) Any world is my world
(I will learn to survive) Any world is my world Every world
is my world
There is the song.
Whatever it really means it kind of
escapes me sometimes. I mean afterall she is DEAD.
She is gone I Am here. She is gone. How
does that really work ????
Its all pointless anyway.